The Ideal Life Experiment

I thought it was going to be like one of those Allure articles where a woman tongue-in-cheek tries to revamp her life and discovers she's had all that ~potential~ inside her the whole time! Yknow those articles that have a curatedly pessimistic undertone and a healthy dose of the privilege of being able to go on "juice cleanses"? Yeah, I thought it was going to be like that.
A few weeks ago I was wallowing in a shitty mood. I was overwhelmed and my emotions were on a slow crawl towards their boiling point. Lately I've been holding so much space for my loved ones who've been going through their shit that I shoved my stuff to the side until I could not handle it anymore.

It was a regular Thursday night. I was washing my face when I looked at my own eyes in the mirror and promptly burst into tears. I clasped one hand over my mouth to stifle myself like I was Drew Barrymore because the bathroom shares a wall with my sleeping roommate. I continued the silent sobbing on my bedroom floor and made the executive decision to sleep on the carpet because pulling myself into bed would've been too hard. (I got real about all of this on Instagram and if we're not already friends over there what are we even doing?)

I woke up the next day with swollen eyes, a headache, and a plan. I made an outline of what I was calling the Ideal Life Experiment:

"For one week you will force yourself to meet the standards of your “idealized self” [because forcing change instead of inviting and easing into it is always the most effective way, yes?] Whether that’s going to the gym every day or drinking more tea, for one week you’re going to make that life a reality. At the end of the experiment the point is you can review the week and pick which habits you want to make stick and figure out which ones didn’t work for you."

Elements of my ideal self:

1. No social media 
2. No TV – read instead! Books, magazines, or New York Times 
3. Drink tea in the morning
• Nothing to drink other than tea, water, and fruit or veggie smoothies 
4. Intermittent fasting – no solids outside of 11 to 7
5. Vegetables with every meal, no dairy, and no processed sugars 
6. Practice yoga in a class three times a week
7. Get some activity in every single day – the other non-yoga days, go to the gym
8. Be proactive about schoolwork and work on things before just the day before they’re due 
9. Write more! Make active time for both creative writing and personal (aka journal) writing 
10. Maintain a clean room and apartment 
11. Meditate every morning

These eleven rules were going to become my entire life. I was focused. I signed up for 7am yoga, made a smoothie with KALE in it for gods sake, and swore I could feel my feet practically levitating off the ground. I was in love with my potential self already.

The week slowly unwound from there.

There was rarely morning meditation, a lot of processed sugar (it was the week leading up to Halloween after all), and absolutely no time in the gym. By Wednesday, my most jam-packed with deadlines and meetings day, I was trying so hard not to cry in my therapy appointment because I had 12 things to do afterwards that I bit my lip enough to make it bleed and cried anyway.

What was wrong with me? Why couldn't I just live the life that I supposedly really wanted? I'm the one that made these guidelines and now I was the one that really couldn't live up to my own standards? Feeling like the biggest failure since Netflix tried to convince us that Tall White Girls are a marginalized demographic, I started daydreaming (again) about what life would look like if only I could keep it together and stick to the Rules. Then, it hit me.

Why was I trying to live my ideal 30-year-old-Kate life?

I am 21 years old. I am finishing my last year of undergrad (too soon!) and in general am preparing for a transition of such a magnitude I can't even picture what life will look like in six months. And that terrifies me. The person I was seeing when I would close my eyes and picture the Ideal Life lived by the Rules was not someone I recognize yet. She's older, has a space of her own in a new city, has new tattoos and markings that aren't yet mine. This is 30-year-old Kate. And, as excited as I will be to greet her one day, why the hell was I trying so hard to be her right now?

21-year-old Kate and my roomie Jess hosted a Grown Ups Thanksgiving! Complete with coloring paper tablecloths and lots of string lights.

So, I revised. I decided to be kinder to myself. Here's what my current ideal self life looks like:

I wake up, approximately at the same time as the sun. I stretch and think about things that make me happy like Trader Joes $4 bouquets and early 20th century sapphic literature. I'll curl my toes a few times before I get up and drink some tea or some water and maybe the occasional swig of apple cider from the carton. I'll meditate when I feel properly awake and know that sometimes that doesn't happen until after noon.

I eat when I feel hungry and not hold food over my head like a punishment for my body trying to nurture itself. I eat all kinds of things like raw green beans with Old Bay and hummus on naan rounds and pizza and fig newtons and pasta with vegan parmesan. I eat what I want, still trying to get a few more vegetables on my plate but not replacing meals with broccoli stalks. Sometimes I eat raw cookie dough and watch Hocus Pocus with my friends.

I go to yoga when it's how I'm going to put myself first and because I know I want to be a better teacher next time I step in front of a class. I don't beat myself up when I prioritize homework or napping or eating or reading over going to the gym and vice versa. I don't feel unworthy when my body aches and injuries keep me from moving the way I want to. 

I try to read books I want to read in my free time and don't feel less smart for deciding to watch TV sometimes instead. I decide that sometimes challenging yourself means letting yourself relax.

Overall, there were some good points in the original Rules that I'm still looking to absorb into my life (looking atchu number 8) but I've given up totally the idea that control of every aspect of my life and forcing myself to adhere to a rigid timetable is what I need right now. Right now I need a little soft, a little flexible, and a little more chocolate and I'm done beating myself up for it.

What does your body, mind, and soul need right now? 

xx

Trying to carry this energy with me through the rest of the semester!